Yesterday I was with a friend of mine and she asked me, “What would be the ultimate dream? I sat there blank, choked and unable to answer. What the fuck was I unsure about? I wake up everyday with the images of what the perfect “Ryan World” would look like. Then I realized, just because I wake up with these images doesn’t mean I have a clear understanding of what it is that I want. It lead me to think of where I currently am in my career. Audition after Audition, callback after callback and never getting the part. One of first things you learn in Actor 101 is this “be clear about your characters intention” if I am not clear of my own, how the hell can I be clear about my characters?
Perhaps I have allowed the audition process to dim the light on what was once so brightly lit. I lost the confidence in myself. I was defeated before I even went into the room. I may have tricked my mind into thinking “I got this” when deep down I was like “you don’t deserve shit.” You cannot lie to yourself no matter how hard you try. And if I keep setting myself up for failure and thinking there is someone else out there better for the part, then damnit it won’t be me.
One of my favorite quotes is “At the moment of commitment the universe conspires to assist you.”If I am conspiring against myself how the hell will I ever grow?”
I wish I could rewind time to yesterday night and have that question posed to me again. They say there are no second chances in this business, but it’s my blog sooooo….
“My ultimate dream is to be an actor, I don’t have to be nominated for Academy Awards or be on every magazine, but I want my work to reach people around the world. I want to tell the stories that are not easy to tell. I want to write to stories that haven’t been explored. I want to at touch at least one person out there and let them know they’re not alone. I want my art to reflect my heart, and if that can be done… that will be my dream.”
I thank my dear friend for that question. Although, I couldn’t answer her yesterday, It allowed me to really silence my mind, heal my heart and recharge my battery. I would call that a successful Sunday.