Maybe it was Oscar Wilde… or perhaps it was the tortured genius Hemmingway who once wrote “Write clear and hard about what hurts.”
Where shall I begin? Perhaps the emotional pain. I have always believed it is our buried emotional scars that transcend into the physical. Maybe I can start with that feeling of suffocation or the 240 lb weight that has taken up a permanent residency upon my shoulders. Or maybe that constant lump in my throat, locking away every unspoken word. Perhaps it’s that ice around my heart that seems to never quite melt away. Could I write about the pit in my stomach? The rage that escapes in silent screams or vicariously through the actors on the silver screen. What about the love that never fails to overwhelm me.
At this moment the best way to describe myself is being a feather, at any moment being swept away by the wind or stuck to the ground after the rain.
I’ve been told grief is not permanent, and sadness passes with time. Death is a strange thing. Living through this grieving process I have learned that you not only mourn the loss of the loved one, you also mourn the loss of a part of yourself. With that comes a lot of confronting…. A LOT of confronting. Everything is questioned: Your place in life, your family, your friendships, your own fragility.
Where am I going? What am I doing? Do I love too much? Do I love too little? What is my importance? Do I mean as much to them as they do to me? Should I stay? Should I go? So many questions, some of which I will never have answered.
I am always hit by these revelations, but it just so happens they love to surface once everyone has gone to sleep. By no means am I having a Debbie Downer party, I’m just having an awareness. I believe in standing in my truth at all times, whether in life, or on a stage (which I miss desperately.) I know that since loosing my Champ my Poppop, some days will be good days and others not so great…Today just happened to be one of those melancholy days.
Hopefully in my sharing my truth, I can help someone else out there not feel so alone. It’s not an easy journey, whatever you are dealing with… but remember there is someone out there feeling just as focked up as you.